Laughter Is the
Best Medicine For PWFMS
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|Energy Saving House Keeping Tips For
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30
minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who
tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION:
not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for
plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths,
just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens
least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great
place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you
to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable
Time: 2.5 minutes
SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Normal people believe dust ruffles exist
keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look
bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to
hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed.
(Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes
SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you
can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes
SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute
SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When
teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen
discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you
it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it. CAUTION: This tip is
only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck.
Time: 3 seconds
SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair
a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot
wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does
or so I'm told.
Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)
SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look.
Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one
looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only
SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad
lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds
SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made
or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a
SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute
Sadly, fact is funnier than
On instructions for a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
|My Exercise Diary
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private
lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape form
when I as on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a
good idea to go ahead
and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya,
who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing
model. My wife seem very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me.
She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile.
She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I
thing just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten
points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very
encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little
form holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is
going to be GREAT.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air.
Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake!! Legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all
worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on
the counter and moving my head back and forth over it. I am certain
that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen.
Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering
the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told
me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl.
I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to
tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance,
Tanya. The word "dumb" must be there for a reason. I
hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment
she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my
body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it
would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you
Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the
floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility
for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time
my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate
for a root canal.
|GUIDELINES FOR PATIENTS
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR
DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to
lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy
and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a
professional reputation to uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must
believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature
of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such
profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may
not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a
privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians
and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE
COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a
privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
|What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
What do you call Santa's helpers?
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help...after it bites your leg off.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
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